I wrote this chit in one of the days when I had some problems with my dear one. The problems occur when one could not understand the other anymore. So, I sat down on my chair in my little room and started writing this in my diary. I may have wrote this letter in the month of January, 2013 when I was at Mongar in my Sister Kinzang's house. I was staying near my poor mom who was sick for several months. I wrote it at the late night while all my families slept. It goes…….
I always wrote you a letter. I always expressed my feelings. I also dedicated my whole life towards you. Nevertheless, the situation came where you never trust me or you always try to leave me aside. So, thinking about all the above mentioned, I could no longer stay still unless I write this to you. But I actually don’t know how this might get to you. If it does, please do realize carefully.
You have known that I love you truly. And I believe that you love me too. Yet, unexpected storm is trying to destroy the atmosphere in this world. The time I knew you, I thought of spending my whole life with you. Never thought any bad, I directly planned and dedicated my love towards you. Yet, the present situation is really unbearable for me. I neither complain you nor your family for the situation. The fate of my life really demands this type of situation and I have to bear it. Be it bearable or unbearable, I must have the courage to bear it. Someone getting in between too was really painful, so painful…Yet, it’s in your hand.
During the days of our togetherness, I feel love, companionship and to some level of commitment from you, we had fun together, enjoyed life as a family. I had to break the habit of being in my own world and it was hard. I did manage for a while, you made me choose by setting an ultimatum during one of our arguments. I was not neat, I had bad habit’s which evolved during all my time alone. You needed more from me then, I remember clear how you request we in bark on couple’s therapy. I was ignorant. I was full of myself and selfish to assume we do not need prospective from outside. I thought at that time granting you individual counseling might assist your emptiness and depression. It did not prove its purpose.
If I am correct you are trying to manage this tremendous anguish, psychological pain, and deep shame inside you. It’s not because you are a bad person, you are a good person. You just need to redirect your focus for a change. Don’t let the hatred by others preclude you by focusing on yourself. I don’t want to see you get hurt, hurt you inflect on yourself. Regrettably, I can predict the path you are trying to follow now is paved with rocks and thorns and if you fall, who will next be in front to pick you up. Think wisely dear. If with me, I will take whole responsibility to do that but are you sure that guy will be there for you in all times of your life?
Take a piece of paper, and start writing your own autobiography. You will realize a pattern and this I explained to you will fall in to place. You remember your whole life, I always knew, you decided on the level of information deemed for my ears. You tested me during our togetherness, tested my level of commitment. Maybe you don’t realize it now but I took notice. I was intrigued and focused attention, but I failed. You mentioned my flaw to my reaction a few times after this episode. I did acknowledge but was uncertain and always thought come in my mind “Is she testing me again?”
It’s true that I am unable to help you like other boys would do for their loved ones. It’s true that am from a very low background. It’s true that I am not a good looking man either. Sometimes late on my bed I always wish myself to have the above qualities. Actually I too have a mind to be good, to make you happy and help you in all possible ways. What to do my dear, my wish is always unfulfilled as I could do nothing to make you believe that I am a true man in your life.
My wish as you know was to die in your arms gazing to your eyes but it is not fulfilled. No matter, live your life happily and meaningfully. I pray for your happiness only.
I could write no more as I get more emotional and sentimental as I write. Think wisely but my last wish for you now is to be happy and be a good human being.